Adolfo Bioy Casares, "The Invention of Morel"

"Now the woman who wears the scarf has become indispensable to me. Perhaps my "no hope" therapy is a little ridiculous; never hope, to avoid disappointment; consider myself dead, to keep from dying. Suddenly I see this feeling as a frightening, disconcerting apathy. I must overcome it. After my escape I manged to live with a kind of indifference to the deadly tedium, and as a result I attained peace of mind. Now i am contemplating a move that may send me back to my past or to the judges; but anything would be preferable to the the utter purgatory I am living in."